MLP ruins/meets Abbott and Costello

Or is that the other way around?

Anyway, I've recently been on a Bud & Lou kick; we used to have 'Abbott and Costello Theater' on a local station every Sunday when I was a kid, and I loved those guys. Well, the horror/ghost/murder mystery movies they did, anyway. Right now I'm also kind of bored and want to celebrate discovering how to get my text files up on the site again (go through Stash writer if you're interested), so here we go with Abbott & Costello's visit to Ponyville:

(We open on our two 'heroes' leaving their lunch at Sugarcube Corner.)

BUD: Now don't you speak to me! Don't you try to excuse this! Here we are, stranded in another country, the only two human beings for a thousand miles in any direction! And this is all because you bought a farm off of a couple of crooks, and they didn't even own it.

LOU: Aw, how was I supposed to know they were crooked? Those two unicycles sang real nice too.

BUD: How could you tell?!? They were named Flim and Flam, ya dope! And its 'unicorns', not 'unicycles'. I wanted to make sure that you didn't lose your inheritance to some smooth-talking crook.

LOU: Well, I didn't lose my money to you for once. (recoils as Bud gives him a dirty look) Besides, that nice Miss Schnapps, er, Brandy...

BUD: Her name's Applejack.

LOU: Well, I knew she was something ya find in a bar. Anyway, she felt sorry for us and said that we could work for her until we made enough money to get back home.

BUD: Yeah, and that'll be three years. Three years! I'll probably be crazy after living three years in an open-air stable. And her with that 'up at dawn, to bed at dusk' routine. If I wanted that I'd have stayed at home. Well, I guess we might as well make the best of it. We'd better learn our way around here, we'll be seeing a lot of this dump (a pair of ponies wandering nearby give him dirty looks) I mean this rustic paradise, until we can get away.

LOU: Aw, I know the place just great. It's got a library, a bakery, a general store, and a little one-room schoolhouse where they teach the little kids. I think they even got a post office.

BUD: Yeah, and it''s that mail mare Derpy who delivers the letters.

LOU (walks along and suddenly freezes. Turns to Bud.) Wait, wait... a male mare? How can ya have a male mare?

BUD: What do you mean, how? She delivers the letters. She delivers the mail, so she's a mail mare.

LOU: Now look, I didn't pay much attention in school, but I was in third grade for four whole years and I distinctly remember them saying that a mare was a girl and a stallion was male!

BUD: Yes, that''s right.

LOU: So how can Derpy or whatever her name is be a male mare?

BUD: Because she delivers the mail, so she's a mail mare!

LOU: Now you listen ta me, next you'll try tellin' me that she's on first and eats her fodder!... (Sees Rainbow Dash passing by) Just wait, I'll ask this one and she'll show you. She'll show you! (Yells at Dash) Hey, lady!

RAINBOW DASH: (Looks around) Oh, you mean me. Hey, I know you guys, AJ told me about you. (Bud and Lou look pleased) She said you were the two dimwits who got scammed by those conponies and thought you owned Sweet Apple Acres.

LOU: Now never mind with that. I thought young ladies was supposed ta be polite and mannerly. Now look, what I want to know is, that pony that delivers the mail, is she a mare or is she not a mare?

RAINBOW DASH: What are you guys, blind? Of course she's a mare. Do you want to take a look?

BUD: No, this is the 40's, the Hayes Office will never permit it.

RAINBOW DASH: Uh, yeah, whatever. I think you guys are crazier than Pinkie. Anyway, she's a mare.

LOU: (wheels on Bud) Hah!

RAINBOW DASH: And she delivers the mail. She's Ponyville's local mail mare. (Lou chokes and almost collapses. She flaps off)

LOU: How do they even ever manage ta have kids in this country?